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Rosemary’s Baby is Lame (There, I Said It)

October 30, 2009

Last night, I settled in with some friends to watch Rosemary’s Baby to try to scare the shit out of ourselves in honor of Halloween. I was excited; I had always been under the impression that Rosemary’s Baby was the horror movie for cool chicks such as ourselves.  So I was extra disappointed when

a) it wasn’t scary

b) not only did I not like it that much, but I woke up still being pissed off at the ending

Note: if you don’t want the entire movie to be spoiled, stop reading.

Here’s the story, in a nutshell. Mia Farrow and her douchebag husband move into this apartment building that’s rumored to have all sorts of witchcraft history. They meet their new, weird neighbors and, despite not liking them, become good friends with him. Then her douchebag husband makes a deal with the weird neighbors, who are part of a satanic cult, that they can impregnate Rosemary with Satan’s baby and then have that baby as the second coming of Satan if they make him a successful actor. So, her douchebag husband and weird neighbors drug Rosemary and the devil rapes her (cue the only scary scene in the movie). As the movie goes on, she finally starts to get suspicious of the neighbors and the doctor they set her up with and the mysterious herbs she’s been taking and the severe pain she’s been in and the mysterious deaths and downfalls of anyone that comes into contact with the weird neighbors and, through the help of a friend, realizes that her douchebag husband is cahorting with the weird neighbor’s Satan-worshiping cult and they’re trying to steal her baby. Despite her efforts to break free, she ends up having the baby in her house under their watch and when she comes to they tell her it’s dead. Which she buys, until she hears a baby crying from next door where she believes the Satan-cult has their meetings. So, she grabs a huge knife and goes through the secret connecting passage to the next apartment where she finds the cult having a babyshower for the baby crying in this huge black crib. She walks over to the crib to discover that she’s had the child of Satan.

This is where I get excited because I think she’s going to start killing people. But, no, she just sits down and cries. Then, she gets up and starts walking over to the crib, telling the woman that she’s rocking it too hard and that’s why it’s crying, and she takes over. So I get excited again because I think she’s going to kill the baby or something to save the world since

a) this is supposed to be a scary movie, right?

b) I’d been waiting for Rosemary to do something badass the entire movie, since women are supposed to like this movie, right?

No. She starts rocking the baby, and then she smiles, and that’s the end. Because all Rosemary wanted was to have a baby, because that’s all women want, and now that she finally has a baby and witches haven’t stolen it everything is good and happy again. And it doesn’t even matter that her baby’s actually Satan and is going to cause the end of civilization because it’s her baby and that’s all she wanted. To have a baby.

GAH!!

I just can not stop being angry about this movie. I don’t understand, are women supposed to like this because we bond together over hating douchebag husbands and the awful premise that our poor baby could end up being stolen by witches and/or being the lovechild of Satan? What about the whole thing of how the woman just sits around doing absolutely nothing while letting other people take complete control of her life and then, instead of seeking revenge over the people who got her raped by Satan, accept the devil baby for who he is because that’s what a mother’s supposed to do, isn’t it?

Let me put it this way, there are far worse things I can think of happening in a woman-friendly horror movie than a bad marriage and messed-up pregnancy. And there are far greater things I can think of the main female character doing than NOTHING. This was just a chick flick (a bad chick flick at that) with some witches thrown in. All I’m asking is for a horror movie where the female characters don’t suck so hard and don’t end up being killed because they’re awesome. Is that too much to ask?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. misch permalink
    October 31, 2009 9:54 pm

    I haven’t seen this movie since I was about 13, but I do like you’re reading of the ending. I can’t help but think Hithcock was aware of what he was saying with this woman who wanted a baby no matter what.
    I’ve never heard that Rosemary was hailed as a feminist character– the only thing I’ve heard is that it is a well made early horror movie. And according to ANTM, women like it because of the haircut and little dresses. And none of his movies are scary, at all, compared to today.
    I’d take it more as her inactivity speaking volumes about women 40 years ago.

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