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Yes, I’m Going to Talk About America’s Next Top Model Again

December 9, 2011

And you can judge me as hard as Tyra, but it’s my blog and I can do what I want and this season made me have a lot of feelings.

Last night was the finale of the All Stars Season (Season 17, holy crap) and WHAT THE WHAT? This season has been ridiculous all the way through (although perhaps the most honest because it focused on branding, marketability, and likability much more than actual modeling and, come on now, that’s what this show has always been about) but the finale was riddled with confusion, scandal, and mistakes. The first half was going normally. The Covergirl challenge and the runway challenge (with all three finalists – Allison, Angelea, and Lisa) participating went off pretty much without a hitch. Except during the runway show, they kept focusing on how Angelea was crying and not feeling well and acting weird and then there was a commercial break and they come back into this ramshackle judging room where Tyra nonchalantly says that they discovered something after the show had wrapped that made Angelea disqualified and they had to reshoot the finale.

Huh?

First of all, that obviously means Angelea won, right? Or else why would they have to reshoot the finale? And what could’ve possibly been so scandalous that they wouldn’t give a single piece of information about why she – a FINALIST – was being eliminated in the FINALE. Even the internet doesn’t have any solid information today except rumors. I don’t know why, and I’m ashamed of this, but I NEED to know.

The biggest theories circulating are that either

a) Angelea revealed her victory before the finale ended, and was therefore stripped of her title. Apparently, this was done via  a Facebook fan page, not very credible anyway, but there also hasn’t been any evidence found that Angelea herself ever announced anything online.

b) I guess the exit interview videos on CW’s official site for the show had been uploaded in the order they were actually eliminated, and Angelea’s was last. I can’t find proof of this, and the videos don’t seem to be on the site anymore. So, not only was the winner accidentally revealed right at the beginning of the season, but it was the show’s fault, a mistake that would indeed be that embarrassing to not want to reveal on air. If that’s true, it’s totally unfair, even though Angelea should not have won anyway.

One of these had to be the case. Even when I let my imagination run wild, I can’t think of anything that dramatic enough where they wouldn’t have wanted to milk it for reality show gold and/or wouldn’t have been raked through the tabloids anyway.

So that brings me to the “final two.” I was pretty offended at the reshoot. Obviously, we all knew that they were faking and acting their way through the entire half of the finale. Why even bother? It would’ve been so much more juicy if they drew out the drama of Angelea being eliminated than this play I just watched. I know that reality TV isn’t real, but to so blatantly make it that obvious they don’t give a shit at portraying reality was sad, especially since the panel of judges pulled it off so well. How can I trust you ever again when their “deliberation” seemed so convincing?? And while the judges acted eerily well in pretending like this was their first time going through with it, Allison and Lisa weren’t believable in the slightest. Something weird was negotiated where they were informed beforehand, although to be honest while I was watching it I thought the results were going to be reversed. Allison was so calm and relaxed, and Lisa looked like a hot mess bundle of nerves that was pissed at the world. So, it did still shock me when they announced that fucking LISA was the winner. Lisa -who the judges have been rolling their eyes at all season, over Allison, who the judges have been fawning over all season- won. And the judges did not seem happy with their decision. (“Their” decision? Because, seriously, they seemed pissed.)

So, this is who won:

Lisa’s entertaining, sure, and can take a good picture now and then. Also, sorry, but girl was looking old. I get that she definitely has a brand, even if it’s not an altogether favorable one, but come ON. Allison has not taken a bad picture. Every one she has done in both her cycles has been mesmerizing, and something I could actually see in a real magazine, not something that looks like a picture of a pretty girl.

Sure, she’s a bit shy and weird and usually makes for boring TV. Sure she kind of only has one look, but it’s marketable and recognizable and a fashiony one look. When it comes to actual modeling potential, I feel like Allison has had the most of it out of all of the seasons that have ever aired. It’s so annoying that she not only didn’t win, but apparently (most likely) came in third.

And don’t get me started on the possibility that Angelea was actually supposed to win this season. I know she had the likable underdog “real” personality that audiences root for, but when it comes to talent, I never saw it. I was confused that she was brought back to the show in the first place. I can never see her in anything other than a catalog.

Speaking of not knowing why some models were brought back in the first place, all season I’ve been wanting to pick who I thought should have been on the All Star cycle, because their casting was all wrong, with few exceptions. But I’ll leave that for after the jump, because this is getting long. 

So, who they got right: Allison (for modelling’s sake), Lisa (for memorability’s sake), Isis (for controversy’s sake), and either Alexandra, Bianca, or Bre, for personality’s sake. Their characters were way too similar to all be back on the all star cycle. Also, they should not have had doubles from the same cycle. I would’ve loved to see who their first choices were, because you know a lot of them turned it down (even though I’ve read they were paid this time around) and they rethought a lot of other options when they saw what they were looking like these days. But, this is what Cycle 17 should’ve looked like.

Elyse, from Cycle 1

She has a pretty damn successful modelling career in Asia nowadays, so I can understand why she wasn’t on, but she had the most potential from the start. Plus, had to love her smarts.

Shandi, from Cycle 2

WHY DIDN’T THEY HAVE ANY OF THE UGLY DUCKLINGS TURNED SUPERMODELS? They were always the best! Plus, the storyline where she cheated on her boyfriend? REALITY TV HISTORY.

Yaya, from Cycle 3

I know she’s busy with an acting career and all, but this girl is stunning.

Kahlen, from Cycle 4

Okay, so her character’s a bit similar to Shandi, with the unexpectedness of her modeling and all, but she was awesome. And who can forget the episode where she had to model rage in the Seven Deadly Sins photoshoot right after she found out her friend OD’ed?

Kim, from Cycle 5

Let’s face it. Kayla was only brought back to play the lesbian card, but they picked the wrong lesbian. Kim should’ve totally been the one. She was much more fun. Sure, she wasn’t the most photogenic, but neither was Lisa, and she was the one that was brought back from this cycle.

Joanie, from Cycle 6

Danielle was a good choice for the winner of this season, but I love Joanie so much. She was just so cool.

Michelle or Amanda, from Cycle 7

This was probably the best season when it came to actual modelling potential. I loved CariDee, the winner, and I would’ve much rather Melrose filled Alexandria’s character slot in the All Stars cycle. But the twins were so memorable. Michelle was the better model, and I was sad that she got kicked off before Amanda, but either one would do.

No One from Cycle 8. 

That cycle blew.

Jenah, from Cycle 9.

I know that Heather was the autistic darling of the cycle, but Jenah was the coolest. I loved her personality, and she had some kickass photos. Although, I can’t find any of them online, which is a shame.

Claire, from Cycle 10

I’m glad that plus-sized Whitney won this cycle and all, and Katarzyna had a cool look too, but I thought Claire was booted way too early. She had such a cool, unique look that I think had a lot of untapped potential. They just had to give her a chance to figure out how to work it. The short blond buzzcut they gave her didn’t help, either. She definitely doesn’t count as an “all star” in any sense, but I really want to see her get a second chance. No one seems to care about her or remember her though, because there weren’t many pictures to choose from, especially flattering ones. I don’t think this one is from the show:

Analeigh, from Cycle 11

I was fucking outraged when stupid McKey won this cycle. LAME. Analeigh was clearly the best. I was so excited when I saw her in Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Allison, from Cycle 12

Duh.

Nicole, from Cycle 13

I know the winners shouldn’t count, but she was the best. That was really only one of the few seasons where they picked the right one. That’s here in the Bebe ads this year, right? Glad to see she made it in the real world, especially coming out of the short season. (By the way, they’ve done a short season and no plus-sized season? That has really only been the only season where the winner has gotten work after the show, so I find it hard to believe that it wouldn’t be credible  enough for them, especially with all the plus-sized love going on in the industry right now. “All the” being a relative term.)

Raina, from Cycle 14

This cycle also sucked. Raina clearly should’ve won. No one else had the chops, and it was boring as hell. But Raina had an awesome look.

No one from Cycle 15

Ugh.

Molly, from Cycle 16

Molly was stunning, and if this was the real world, she would’ve immediately won. GAH. She’s another one who has had the most actual real-world potential of the whole show and was robbed of the win.

I Also Really Liked Hannah, from Cycle 16, and Since I Skipped a Few Seasons, She Gets to Be in My All Stars Too

See? So much better. I should totally be involved in every decision-making process ANTM makes from now on. Although, I’m aware that my season would’ve had zero drama and all talent, so no one would watch it. Oh well.

I spent three hours on this post. #priorities

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